It's Only Words. And Words are All I Have.

Have you noticed just how when someone dies, nothing that anyone else says to the family/friends/loved ones, no matter how well meaning, is of any use?

Most of the time I really want to say, "This sucks donkey balls and I hope you find the strength in you to get through this horrible mess of a time." But apparently, that's not allowed, so I end up saying something lame like, "I'm sorry for your loss."As if they've misplaced their favourite pair of socks or something.

Hallmark really needs to get some new writers.

I'm not loving my job in it's current avatar. I think I'll apply.

A Christmas Quest

Yesterday, I headed over to my aunt's house to partake in a Christmas tradition with my mum, aunt and wee cousins of making Christmas sweets together. As I left my flat to make my way over to the train station, I suddenly realized that I hadn't accounted for the heavy bags I was carrying and it would take me longer than usual to get to the station. Frantic to get there in time, I started an awkward shuffle run my bags slamming into my legs threatening to trip me at every step. A short ways up the road, and knew I wasn't going to make it. There was less than ten minutes to the train and I still had a steep hill to climb. And then, my Christmas miracle happened!

A cabbie pulled up besides me and the driver yelled for me to get in. Not really thinking, I obeyed. "Going to the station, are you? Well, I'll get you there in time. The next train doesn't come for another hour." And he proceed to drive me to the station and refused to take any money. Those few minutes were all I needed and I did make my train and got to spend a most lovely afternoon with my family.

Full of surprise and downright shock over the unexpected kindles of a total stranger, I gushed to my friends online as to how perhaps the spirit of the season was indeed alive and well.

Then I woke up this morning to the news of two firefighters who were fatally shot as they responded to the scene of a house fire. Two others were wounded and as the story unfolded it became clear that the shooter had set the fire to lure out the first responders. Today. On Christmas Eve.

All of the euphoria over yesterday's event seemed to drain right out of me. "It's not such a wonderful world after, is it?" was my query to the online world. What was the point in being silly happy over something ordinary like a generous cabbie when there were bigger, far more horrible things were happening that need our more serious attention.

But I have very wise friends, and one of them gently pointed out that both events happened. Both truths are true. The important part is that I get to choose which of these will touch me most deeply and change me most persistently. Sometimes we hone ourselves because of negative experiences and sometimes due to positive ones. Always our choice. 

Her words made me pause and think. 

Yes, there is an awful lot of horror in this world. But at every step there has been a teeny tiny glimmer of hope. Each time there is some kind of disaster, be it natural or manmade, humanity finds a way to shine through. Neighbours organized community Thanksgiving meals after Hurricane Sandy   and in the wake of the unspeakable horror of the events in Newton, CT, the #26Acts campaign was formed. 

So perhaps hope is still alive. And as long as at least one person hopes and believes in a better tomorrow, isn't that enough to keep the evil at bay? In the words of a very wise wizard, "It's not great power that that can hold evil in check. Rather, it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." 

If a hobbit can face a dragon, I can find the courage in me to face the dragons of this world. And I know I won't be alone. All of the mighty quests involved a fellowship. There will be others, and we will help each other if one of us should stumble along the way. 

It's going to be a Happy Christmas after all. 

On Turning 30

As the clock struck midnight, there was the epic noise of a door slamming shut as I crossed over the threshold and landed firmly into the third decade of my life. My friends decided that making an announcement over the mic and getting the entire pub to sing for me would be appropriate. There was a rousing cheer of "Happy 30th" at the end of the song and hearing that out loud was a very odd feeling indeed. I knew this moment was coming. In fact, the entire evening I kept checking my watching thinking, Just 4 hours left in my 20s.... just 3..... and so on.

I am now about 8 hours into my 30s having just stumbled home after the comedy night at the pub which was followed by the post comedy night at another bar. And if these past few hours are any indication of how the rest of the decade will follow, then Mercy, this decade is going to be even more manic than the last!

To commemorate the awesomeness that has been my life thus far, I've put together a list of what I consider my top 30 moments of glory. Begging your indulgence with this little piece of self promotion, I give you (in no particular order):

30 Things I did before 30

1. Learned to tie my shoe laces and ride a bike all on the same day. Or so my mother says. 
2. Won a dance competition. Toronto Swing Dancing Championship, 2008. West Coast Swing Beginner Category - First Place! 
3. Saw wild elephants up close. A little too close actually.
4. Took part in almost every extra curricular activity my high school had on offer. Art, music, drama, sports, science fair - did it all. 
5. Completed the Tongararo Crossing; a 21 km alpine trek that climbs as high as 1900 mts. Ok, so I had to be carried down the last 1.5 kms by six German guys coz I'd fallen and twisted my knee. But it still counts. 
6. Been carried down a mountain by six German guys. Hey, how many other people can claim that? 
7. Sang the National Anthem at a major league sporting event.
8. Was bridesmaid at my Very Best Friend's wedding. 
9. Quit my job. Twice. 
10. Took a six month sabbatical and went travelling. Then carved a niche for myself in the new career path. 
11. Tried both skiing and ice skating. Both were epic FAILS. But hey, at least I tried. 
12. Moved to a new country and started from scratch. Twice. 
13. Led a successful boycott of my high school Christmas pageant in protest of exam dates clashing with production rehearsal times. Have I mentioned that I went to a catholic school run by Carmelite nuns? And that my aunt was a teacher at said school? It was my very own Norma Rae moment. 
14. Slept outdoors under the canopy of stars in the Australian Outback.
15. Skinny dipped in the ocean.
16. Watched the sun rise over sand dunes in the Thar desert. 
17. Posed nude for a charity shoot. No Photoshop was involved! 
18. Eaten at least 5 kinds of "mystery" meats. And lived to tell the tale. 
19. Was the youngest person ever to sit on her Parish Council. And boy did I shake things up during my tenure! 
20. Graduated debt free. Not even a library fine to worry about. 
21. Held my own for 4 years working as the only female in a department of 47 men in a testosterone dominated industry. Helped that I could drink most of those pansies under the table.
22. Fallen hopelessly, passionately and totally in love. Because no matter how it ended, it was an incredible feeling while it lasted. 
23. Dragged myself out of the cold bleak well of heartbreak and clawed my way back to the top. Three times. 
24. Presented at an international conference on youth leadership. Again, one of the youngest presenters there. 
25. Learned how to cook well enough to have friends around for dinner and cook yummy goodies for them. Hardly award worthy I know, but sometimes the company of good pals is worth more than a million dollar prize. 
26. Taken a chance. On life, on a job, on love. 
27. Nurtured and maintained several long lasting friendships that have stayed strong even through years and miles have separated us. 
28. Co-produced a book chronicling the lives of two of my personal heroes - my grandparents. 
29. Introduced a fair few people to the wonderful world of dancing as a Dance Instructor. 
30. Made a cameo in a Bollywood movie. It was for about 3 seconds and I am barely visible, but I know I'm there! 

 

New Year's Revelations

Berlin was a spur of the moment decision. A question of, where can I go for a few days at minimum cost? Two days after I booked the tickets, I found out about the lay off. Panicking slightly, I wondered if I should go ahead with the trip. The wander lust won out in the end. And besides, the tickets were non refundable.

Being in a new city was always a time for discovery. This trip, the biggest discovery was all about myself. Well, not so much a discovery as much as a confirmation of a lot of facts!

For starters, I have figured out that I am socially outgoing AND socially awkward both at once. I am also too old to play the pickup game. And I'm a wee bit afraid that I may just be too old for the entire travel/backpack/hostel experience in general.

Let me expand.

When I travel its all about seeing a new place; visiting the sights and taking in the local culture and history. I truly cannot be arsed with staying up late and partying till the ass crack of dawn. Its far too expensive - and very often for a single girl traveller at least - a wee bit dangerous.

It is almost a direct throwback to my high school days. Through 10 years of primary and secondary school, I pretty much had the one constant pal. I got along with a ton of peeps, but they were all largely generic. When VBF wasn't around, I would tend to flit around the periphery of other groups; always on the very edge, never quite in. There were times when I was hugely bothered by this and I was acutely aware of my solitary status. As I've grown older the solitude has become more and more like an old pal in itself. We are very comfortable together and there no pretense of false popularity is required.

Back to the travel, I get the distinct feeling that most other travellers don't quite know what to make of me. I do wish that social conventions allowed me to just state my agenda (or rather, the lack of one) loud and clear. Dear Fella at the bar, I have zero interest in snogging or being snogged. You seem like nice enough blokes and I just want to have a few laughs. 

I am painfully aware that most times I come across as a right weirdo. Like a mirror of my high school days, I am sure that most of the time first impressions are that of eccentric kook who will probably end up like Mrs. Haversham. Fifteen years ago that might have upset me. Today, its not so bad. Heck, Mrs. H got to dance around all day and did exactly what she wanted without a care as to what the world thought. Not a bad life eh?

Facts and Figures

335 days since I arrived into G Town last year, full of hope. The possibilities were endless.

302 days since I got dumped the first time. Suddenly, possibilities had limitations.

16 days since I got dumped the second time. By the same guy.

17 days since I washed my hands off him once and for all. About time eh?

3 - the number of people that have opted to turn their back on me. Their loss.

21 - new friendships that I have forged, including imaginary online blog buddies!

290 days since I moved into my flat and found out that I'd struck gold on the flatmate meter.

260 days since Nana passed away.

49 days since Papa followed her.

5 - beautiful surprise cards and gifts sent by loving friends to cheer me up. Bless them!

4 - plants bought to cheer myself up!

500 (and counting) - the number of times I have thanked the Heavens for the gift of family, of friends and of love.

156 days since I hugged a family member.

17 days that I got to share VBFs parents and have a Mommy around.

277 job applications sent out.

65 - days that I've worked over the past 10 months.

£700 - the amount that an ex employer owes me.

34, 20, 14 - the number of phone calls, text messages and emails that I have sent that ex employer.

2 - the number of times I have wished the pox upon him. Bastard.

14 - the number of pounds I have dropped in weight since moving here. The all yogurt diet sure helps.

7 - food dishes that I mastered cooking before I moved onto the all yogurt diet.

3 - the number of holidays I have had in the past year; India, Paris and the Netherlands. Not bad for someone who is financially broken.

10 days until I leave for England and a new opportunity.

43 days of confirmed employment. Thankfully.

365 days until my visa expires. The possibilities are endless.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Perhaps spurred into action by Aunty's choice remarks last week, Beans messaged me at work last Sunday. He knew it was my last shift doing customer service at one of the shopping centres in central G Town. Wanna get some ice cream? went the text.

Being a lovely and totally un G Town like day (i:e bright and sunny and warm), we took our ice creams and headed down to the river for a walk. We settled down on a patch of grass and there in the sunshine, Beans asked me if I'd like to try dating again.

At this point Dear Reader, you need to know some back story. I had thought Beans to be dating someone back in Feb. Turns out, it was A date and that was it. She told me herself, ironically at the next charity event when we met. She hadn't known about me and Beans at all, still doesn't as I kept my mouth shut. Beans and I had been on cordial terms for a long time. Occassionally we would meet up for a movie or dinner or something that sounded like a date, but really wasn't. Yes, there was sex from time to time. Not regular and not often, but sometimes it happened. Please don't judge me, I am merely human.

Bottom line, things were actually quite good between us.

And then he drops this bombshell. I was uncharacteristicly quiet as I considered the question. six months ago, I would have jumped at the chance of a reunion, but now I wasn't so sure. I had finally found myself in a good place; rather a better place than the bog I was struggling in ever since last September. Convinced that the doorway leading to a relationship had been slammed shut forever, I had tried so hard to work on maintaining a semblance of a friendship between us. After all, it wasn't possible to totally cut off ties. We had too many friends in common and our paths were always going to keep crossing socially.

When I gave my answer, it was a guarded one. I did agree to try again, but I also stipulated that if we were going to date, it would have to be something that we both worked on. We would need to try and truly include the other in our lives and yes, the dating would have to be exclusive. Beans agreed to it all.

I met him briefly last Thursday, the evening before I left for my holiday. There dídn't seem to be anything amiss. Then today, I get back from a totally lovely day of sighseeing with my friend, open up my email and find this waiting for me:

Pixy,
As you know, our relationship has been over for quite some time now and has
been purely physical since then. I've really enjoyed the times we've spent alone
together. I'm really sorry, but, on Friday I met someone and I think I've got a
chance to make a go of it. Although I don't want to exclude you from my life, I
don't think its a good idea that we continue the relationship we've been having
until recently. I hope you understand where I'm coming from as I think this is
for the best and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.
Beans.

Reader, HOW could I have let myself get fooled yet again? And dammit.... couldn't he have waited just a few more days so that I would at least have a decent holiday?

*shakes head sadly*

The Answer to a Prayer

Everyone who loved him, not just the family, had been praying with all their might these past few months. Dear God, be merciful. Please don't let him suffer any more.

Yesterday, our prayers were answered.

He is finally at peace and back together with Nana again. And I close my eyes and whisper a fervent Thank You.

Finding the Awesome

Perhaps it is because I am what is possibly the very end of my proverbial tether that I am glancing around and trying to find the awesome (as my friend Trippy would say) in the small and the mundane and the seemingly unremarkable.

Like the fact that we had (almost) 3 weeks of straight sunshine here in G Town. And that Rain Man finally figured out what was making our shower head go *splutter splutter* and then made it go *shoowsh shoowsh* again. And that although my hair has grown right out of the December cut, it still manages to fall well and rest in (non product induced) bouncy glory around my neck. Or it could be the new "find-a-job" method I have adopted which is to take long walk around the city peering into shop windows looking for help wanted signs. I usually find about one or two per walk, which is not bad odds really; and hey, its a two for one deal as I'm getting a bit of exercise in as well!

And it could be that my local organic grocery store is having a sale on potted plants and I was able to pick up this little flowering pot (name unknown). If you do know what its called, do tell! Also from the organic store, a little patch of shamrock. That combined with a little milk pot from the charity shop for 40p, the entire ensemble made a lovely little Paddy's Day prezzie for Rain Man. OK, so I'll be the one actually looking after the plant, but t'was a nice gesture, no?

Best of all though when one of my rambles the other day, I spied a clump of crocus's peeping through the grass. Here's hoping that Winter has passed and that warm days are ahead.

Weighing the Odds

With almost two weeks on the job safely tucked away under my belt, I can now make that list that I've been dying to post for a while. As was expected, the new job is a challenge. I'm not wholly convinced that this is how I'd like to spend my days, but there's the very practical aspect of rent and a fast depleting bank balance to consider. I'm confused right now. So I thought I'd post the pros and cons both and have you, the readers weight in with your opinions. See, that's how much I value your comments and feedback!


I always like to end on a positive note, so with that in mind let's start with the not-so-great aspects of the new job.

• It is a long ass commute! Really Long. About an hour and 20 minutes in the am. In the evenings jumps to an hour and 30, 40, 50.... The buses are infrequent and often operate independent to the prescribed bus schedule. Someone once mentioned that one of the best Scottish pieces of fiction is the bus timetable. I used to laugh at that. Not any more.


• Boss Man is not very organised very disorganised. Which is perhaps why he wanted to hire me and my list making and organisational skills in the first place. But in order for me to get going, I need him to give me some ground rules. Hell, I need him to be in the office for about 5 minutes running so that I can ask him a bunch of questions that have been piling up since last Monday.


• The work is pure admin. Filing, invoicing, billing, answering phones and the likes. Not a whole lot to do either, so very long periods of silence and drumming around to find something to keep me occupied.


• The pay reflects the work. Scant on a good day.


• I am on my own. Literally. It is I, me and myself in the office every hour of every day. The work men filter in about twice a day; to pick up jobs in the morning and return completed lines in the afternoon. Sometimes, they don't return them until the next day, so that's just one outsider visit for me. The community centre where the office is located has a steady stream of people (mostly kids and disabled adults) coming in to use the meeting rooms and facilities, but there's not a whole lot of chance for interaction with anyone other than the receptionist in the morning when I get in and the cafeteria lady at lunch time.
• The neighbourhood is not the best. In fact, it could be said that it is one of the worst in the G Town area. As Beans puts it, they have a lot of "clients" who live around here. This means not much chance of getting out during lunch and having a wander around and perhaps getting some errands done. The less walking around here, the better!

Still, it is not totally grey skies and rain clouds. There are some very nice points to this job and they are:

• It is a JOB! Something that will pay me and help inflate that sad sad bank statement of mine. Regular pay however scanty is infinitely better than no pay at all.


• Boss Man is a nice man. He's easy going, generous and wants desperately to help me out. In many ways, I am unqualified for the job as he initially wanted someone who could run the office and also manage the books; something that I know nothing about. Still, instead of turning me down flat, he's given me a chance and for that, I am truly grateful.


• There is the distinct possibility that my job role might change dramatically after April if Boss Man is awarded a particular contract that will keep the business very busy for at least the next year. In addition, there seem to be some other things a-brewing at this point which Boss Man would like me to be a part of at a later stage.


• The people here at the community centre are really quite nice and friendly. They've gone out of their way to make me feel welcome. There is a small cafeteria here that sells simple but discounted meals so at least I don't have to worry about wandering around the neighbourhood looking for lunch. The cafeteria lady has even told me that she'll heat up any packed lunch that I bring. How nice is that?

The next time Boss Man is in the office (which I hope will be this afternoon), I'm going to talk to him about potentially coming in only 3 days a week to do all the work. That will give me time for a) classes to learn how to use the accounting and payroll systems (which will give me more money) and b) another p/t job so that I can supplement my income. There's no way I'm going to be able to continue on just what's he's paying me. Not if I want to flit off to Paris and Rome and Madrid every now and then. And really, the lure of all those places just a cheap flight away is what is making me stick it out here.
Still, even if he says nay, what option do I have? I'll just have to stick it out here until I find something else. In that, I have little choice. I'm hoping that won't happen. I really do not want to let him down after a few months. Not after he took a risk with hiring me and basically set me back on the path to self redemption!
Reader, what do you think?

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

A couple of weeks ago I put out a wish list. One of my wishes was a sign (any sign) that things were going to get better for me. Christmas is 4 weeks away, but it seems that already my wishes are coming true!

Looking back on Friday night's success I now know THAT was my sign. I just didn't recognise it at first. I was so busy looking for something like a job offer or a declaration of devotion, I didn't realise that the "sign" that I was so desperately looking for was right in front of me the entire time. (Typical eh?).

The fact that I was able to stop thinking about my own misery for a change and instead focus on something new instead, was the sign.
That I made a tangible and positive contribution towards planning an event that was going to help not so much me, but a lot of very deserving folk, that was the sign.

Yes, I still don't have a job and things are getting to be rather dire in the money corner; yes, I'm still hurt over the mess that is my personal life and my little heart is far from healed. But perhaps that is a sign as well. Perhaps it means that it is time to pack up and leave. All this time I've been fighting against this. I kept telling myself that if I stayed and got a job, my life would be turned around and I'd have new (and happier) memories of my time in G Town.

In a way, that's just what happened when I took on responsibilities connected to organizing the Ball. For the past 2 months, I've been too busy to mope around and grieve for things lacking in my life. I seem to have taken all of that pent up spirit and poured it into making this event a success. And now, with early estimates of profits showing at around £35,000 I can truly say that I have not just a great, but a TERRIFIC memory of my time here.

One wish down. Will the rest come true?

Two Steps Back. I Think.

Saturday passed in a comfortable haze. The rain pelted down incessantly outside my window causing folks with weekend plans all sorts of minor headaches. Since I had none - plans that is - I was just fine curled up on the couch tapping away on my keyboard filling out application forms.

Gingersnap dropped in on her way out to a party with a whole bunch of DVDs on loan from Colossus. I knew Beans was going to the same party since he'd mentioned it during our phone call on Friday night. So also Ms. McSlutty from last week. My curiosity got the better of me, and I asked Gingersnap about her. The answer was not what I was expecting.

Turns out, she's one of their mutual friends. But she's a McSlutty alright, Gingersnap snorted. She'll flirt with anything that's wearing pants. Anytime. Anywhere. If that's the girl you mentioned Beans was "with" last weekend, then I'd say it was a 99% chance that she initiated what you saw. Probably did her best to keep it going too.

Not quite sure what to make of this revelation, I bid goodbye to Gingersnap who promised to text me from the party should she see a repeat of last weekend. Later, I got a message saying that Beans hadn't shown up and said that he wasn't feeling well. McSlutty on the other hand had found a new couch partner for that night.

Still thinking about G's parting words, I began to question what I had "seen" last weekend. Had I just imagined everything? Taken a simple gesture of an arm around someone and heads bent together in conversation to mean much more than it actually had been? Had I completely misread the situation and had made a mountain of a molehill? I tried to recall the scene. Play it back, take in the details. But it was all fuzzy and I started to give myself a headache with questioning everything.

I turned off my phone and went back to my marathon movie night.

Sunday was almost half over before I surfaced. Thankfully the rain had ceased and the forecast promised overcast skies, but clear. Against my better judgement, I texted Beans and asked if he was doing ok. Not sick. Just tired from the painting. Want to go see a movie? was the reply. We decided on a 3:15 show that afternoon. Almost at once, he called back. Ireland was playing Australia in Rugby and he'd forgotten about that. But if I wanted, I was welcome to come over and watch the game at his place. It actually worked out perfectly, since a) I'd spend way less watching the rugby match than I would at the movies and b) I needed to head into the city centre anyway as I was meeting Gingersnap later.

That afternoon was the best times I've spent with Beans in... well.... forever. He had all these diagrams ready for me to explain the rules and the plays, and painstakingly answered all of my questions - and we all know just how much guys hate talking when watching sports! It was fun. Real fun. Easy, no bull shit, relaxed fun. Something we hadn't had together in a long long time. And it helped that Ireland put on a good show to spectacularly tie the game just 2 seconds before the clock ran down.

He made me dinner, we laughed and chatted some more. As I gathered my things to leave, he asked if he could tag along. Gingersnap and I were meeting at George Square to watch the Christmas lights turned on. It was hardly a private meeting, so I said yes. We met G and Colossus, listened to the music, watched the fireworks, clapped when the lights went on and then ducked past the 100s of families with kiddies towards the Counting House and a pint.

Beans walked me to the bus stand after. The rain that had held off all evening finally started to pitter patter. Neither of us had an umbrella and we drew into the shelter of the store awning. Danielle Steele couldn't have written a better scenario. The bus was ages coming and we were getting increasingly wet. So instead, we walked back to his place and watched the new season of Top Gear. Curled up together on the couch, our wet clothes drying on the radiator.

That night, leaving was not an option. I wish I could say it were, but in honestly, I didn't even once think about it. Staying with him and making love to him was the only thing that felt right.

Had he planned the whole thing? Maybe.
Had he wooed me that evening? Definitely.
Had I just destroyed whatever progress I had made on Friday night? Perhaps.

I don't know what is the right thing and the wrong thing here. I'm flying blind. The only thing I do know, is that Sunday was a great day for me. A relaxing day. A FUN day. I hadn't tried too hard and he hadn't been a jerk. Far from it.

I do know that I could do with more days like that. Rain and all.

Defining Commitments

As Beans walked me home from the post game pub on Friday night, we chatted about this that and the other. The evening had been surprising on many fronts; I realised that in time I might actually turn into a real rugby fan. And that perhaps Beans and I had a shot at working out after all.

He came over on Saturday to help me put the apartment in order; putting up the mirror and my photo frames and hooks and the likes. I cooked dinner while he hammered and drilled and did things that handy men do.

The dinner was a success (chicken curry, potato tikkis with mint chutney and rice) and was followed by a movie. Then we had no more excuses. We had to talk.

It wasn't an easy talk. Primarily because Beans just didn't seem keen on the idea. But I had somethings that needed to be said and I needed him to hear some hard truths. Like the fact that he had been a first class jerk over the past few weeks. And the fact that in being a first class jerk had taken me to one of the lowest and most vulnerable points of my life.

I don't know what I wanted. An apology perhaps. Or even an acknowledgement. I got neither. Was this going to be the start of a new chapter of our relationship, or simply the beginning of the end?

Momma's No Fool

Excerpts from my Mum's emails over the past week. She doesn't know a thing about what's been going on here. Yet......

Dear Pixy,

I was very uneasy and worried after talking to you
on Saturday. I sensed
that all was not quite okay.
I am praying for you that things may work out,
but
only if it is going to be good for you both. I also
pray that you may
get some kind of employment
to sustain yourself.

Pixy, you have
never given me a ear, but there
are some things I would like to say. You have
a
choice to heed and take note or to ignore and cast
it
aside.

There are a lot of compromises that one has to
make in a
relationship. For this it is very important
to talk for very often each one
is just assuming
what the other is thinking. Please change your
slip shod
ways and be neat with your things. That sort of
thing can really put
somebody off.

Remember you can't always get your way also
try to
see things from the other person's point
of view. Learn to swallow your pride
and admit
if you have done something wrong. It never hurts
to say you are
sorry.

I don't know how soon you plan to move out and
get a
place of your own. I know you still don't have
a job and that could pose a
problem. Take up even
a small job if you have to in the meantime so
that
you have something coming in. Talk to VBF for
advice; she has
done well for herself.

Last but not the least, pray. Go to Him for
help and
you will be surprised as to how He can help. Just talk
to God
and that in itself is prayer. Maybe this is your
time to get back to where
you left off with God. Try it.

With all my prayers and
love,
Mama

And then yesterday:

Hey great news. Congratulations! This is a first for you
Your own apt.
And I'm glad it is one that you like.

I'm sure you are feeling better now that at least one
thing
has fallen in place. I had written to you about compromise,
but I do
want to add that the compromise has to come from
both sides. In compromising
don't bend so far back that
you break. At all times keep your self esteem and
respect
and don't compromise on that. There are bound to be many
ups and
downs in your relationship and these can be sorted
out by talking
together.

We received the post card sent from Israel. I spoke to
Granna
and Papa a couple of days ago and they too have received
one and
are thrilled about it. I know you will be busy moving
on Monday but do
remember their anniversary on the 1st.

Send us pictures of your
apt. when possible. You will need
a lot of stuff but don't be hasty and buy
things too soon.

Bye and be safe.
Mama

Time and Space

Is it the Theory of Relativity that is explained along the lines of sitting on a stove for a second can feel like it was an hour and sitting with a loved one for an hour can feel like just a second. Well this past weekend felt like I was in a weird time warp that didn't quite follow all of the necessary rules of time and space.

Like on Saturday morning, when Beans returned from his usual weekend bike ride and cheerfully announced that we would go shopping for the printer ink and paper that I needed. Or when that turned into a lovely walk around Glasgow's city centre followed by lunch on a patio when even the rain held off for a few hours enough for us to enjoy a meal in the sunshine. And then he went further to suggest that we should make the most of the glorious day and take the bus tour around the city so that I could known more about the local sights and sounds. All along the tour, he was the poster boy for charm and wit and by the end we were laughing and joking and having a rather wonderful time.

And so, passed Saturday and Sunday as well. And I couldn't help wondering just what was going on. This was not the man who a few days ago could barely look at me and acknowledge that I was in the room and who categorically stated that he couldn't think of one - not one - thing that two of us had in common in order to keep at our relationship.

Today, I look back at the weekend. Yes, it was a more pleasant experience than being ignored and shunned, but was it real? Not once was there a glimmer of love or even genuine friendship. Not one gentle touch or caress... or even a quick hug. A lovely day around the city does not constitute a relationship. Its the little things that really matter. The little things are now non existent. The little things that I had come to count on, and believe in and look forward to that now were memories of what seemed like a very very distant past.

What are my options now?

I can push away my pride, and let it be known that I want this relationship and that I will do all it takes to turn things around. It will probably mean accepting the blame for the failure and trying to do things differently henceforth all the while hoping that it will change the situation and his feeling for me.

Or, I can call it a day. Admit that I made a mistake and move on. I will have my pride, but little else I suppose. And, I will have to face the reality that all of the reasons for me moving here is no longer valid.

Either way, I end up losing. So, does it really matter what I choose?

Revelation

The notice about my leaving went out to my colleagues on Monday. I was relieved because it was getting very awkward at work when people were wondering why I wasn't picking up projects that were directly related to my work and why at the beginning of the fiscal year it was announced that a lot of my major clients were being redistributed. I hadn't wanted to lie about my leaving, but until my VP made the official announcement there wasn't a damn thing I could do!

And yet, when I saw the email and read the announcement for myself, a chill went down my spine. This was it. Certainly no turning back now! The die was cast and in 57 days I would be unemployed! There was a certain *gulp* factor to that realization!

Then, logging in to Skype this evening I was met with a very low down and subdued version of my Beans who in a tiny tiny voice told me that he'd been sick all day, and for most of the night before. No need for details here, but any of you who've been through a bad bout of stomach flu will know what I'm talking about.

And as I listened to him, I knew that I didn't want to be this far away from the one I love. I wanted to be able to hold him and comfort him when things were wrong and to clasp his hands and dance around madly in the good times. This long distance thing was crap and thankfully in a mere 61 days I was going be with him again.

The Sound of Silence

I've never had so much to say on the blog until my decision to move and all the excitement that followed.

Sometimes though, I feel like I'm talking to myself here. Which is a pity because I would dearly love for people to comment on the happenings, give me advice and the likes.

Then again, perhaps these ramblings are no different from the multitude of thoughts I have swimming around in my head - and I'm certainly hearing no voices in response to them. At least, not recently!

I'm about to have lunch with my VP and tell her about my leaving. Why am I so nervous? Its not a job interview! Maybe I'm just hungry. I usually eat at noon and perhaps my stomach is protesting via my madly thumping heart.

Bubble Bubble.......

.....something is a-brewing in Pixyland.

Can't say too much right now, but I can tell you that it includes:
a suitcase
and a passport
and a city
and an Irishman

I'm sure you're all quite clever and will figure it all out, but in the meantime, that's all I can say.

Metamorphosis

I used to be a realist and a pragmatist. Then along came Beans and turned me topsy turvy. Under his influence, I have grown soft and mushy - like an overripe pear. My bad ass, devil-may-care, tough girl persona crumbled and some sort of sappy-girly-walking-around-on-cloud-nine persona replaced the old me.

Case in point, I (voluntarily) watched a Hallmark Movie last night and *gasp* ENJOYED it! Loving Leah was

a quirky love story revolving around the unexpected wedding and unconventional
married life of a 26-year-old widow and her late husband's brother, a handsome
30-year-old cardiologist.

(from imdb.com)

The plot was looser than an unravelling jumper, the acting mediocre, the dialogue strained and boring and the storyline OH SO predictable. And yet, I kept watching. OK, so there wasn't much else on due to the SAG awards being aired so it was essentially between the movie and watching re runs of re runs of re runs of Seinfeld, Fraser and Family Guy that I'd watched a hundred times before AND Adam Kaufman the actor that played the "handsome 30-year-old cardiologist" is truly drop dead gorgeous AND there were multiple scenes in a swimming pool..... (!!)

But still, a HALLMARK movie????

This was sadly the crown to my weekend of sappy movies.

It started off alright on Friday night with Meet the Parents even though in between laughs I cautioned myself that this was to be my situation in a few weeks time!

Saturday started off a bustling round of house cleaning after which I deemed it necessary to reward myself by settling down to Four Weddings and a Funeral and carried over the Runaway Bride. I did redeem myself for a bit by also watching a bits of classic movies like Huckleberry Finn and Witness for the Prosecution over on TCM, but I did shamelessly revert back to the cheesy genre a la Sweet Home Alabama later that night.

I do owe The Blonde One a sincere apology for not attending her Stagette on Saturday night. She will perhaps be infuriated to know that THIS is what I ended up doing instead. My only excuse is that I was seriously NOT in the mood to drag my sorry behind out of bed and dress up and head out into the cold cold cold night all the way across town. I like parties just as much as the next gal, but my sunshine quotient was all used up after the vigorous round of cleaning and I suspect I would not have been great company in any case. I am however really looking forward to the wedding next weekend and no amounts of vacuuming and frigid temperatures will keep me away!

Random Thoughts from the Holiday

I'm glad I decided on this holiday, in spite of the fact that I could ill afford it.

I'm glad I went for a mix of alone time and family/friend catch up time as its given me a renewed pleasure, for both aspects of travel.

I known I must return to New Zealand. Its packed so full of wonderful places that 9 days simply wasn't enough.

I'm glad I busted my knee on the Tongariro crossing. It made me realize that good and kind and generous people still exist in this world. People who will put aside their needs to help a random stranger whether it be carrying her down a mountain path, or helping her to the washroom or sitting with her in the dorm to keep her company.......

I'm not fussed about the fact that I "wasted" 2 days in NZ because of the knee injury. Yes, I missed out on some places I wanted to see and things I wanted to do, but in the long run, I rather have my health.

I was wondering if I did the right thing adding Melbourne to my destination list as I have a whole heap of rellies there. Now, I'm glad I did. Catching up with the aunties, uncles and cousins has been a whole heap of fun that I did NOT expect. Yes, there were times when I wanted to take the whole lot of them and dump them into the Yarra.... but the important thing is that the impulse passed and things all worked out fine. I do however realize that much of my enjoying meeting them was the fact that in most cases I didn't spend more than 2 hours in their company! And the ones I did spend more time with, I was very happy to get to know.

I'm glad I went to Bitch's wedding and I'm super glad that she made me privy to the behind the scenes activities. I usually hate an overload of what I fondly refer to as "girly bullshit", but with Bitch, all activities were a load of fun and hey, her bridesmaids did do a wonderful job of making me look just beautiful for the wedding.

I'm positive that if I ever get married, I will be keeping interaction with relatives to a minimum. This is the 4th wedding of a close friend where I've seen first hand what havoc interfering relatives can wreck on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

I have come to realize that the most beautiful places on this earth are also the most difficult to get to, or live in or reconcile with. But, the hardship makes their beauty even more precious.

I should listen to my body more carefully. A nagging cold that started in Alice Springs turned into a full fledged chest cold/cough and sore throat by Christmas all because I refused to take it easy and cut back on activities while in the outback. Loving care and home remedies from family got me back into shape.

I am at heart, a child of the tropics. I've only been on the Gold Coast for a couple of hours and already I love the heat and the lush greenery all around.

Turning over Leaves and Unearthing Dilemmas

Thanks to the gale force winds that swept though the GTA last week, much of the trees were "persuaded" to let go of their beautiful fall foliage. While raking the yard some days ago, I utilized the time to indulge in a little introspection. Many things were thought about - mostly involving work and relationship - and many little (and big) discoveries were made.

For starters, the realization that my job is getting better every day. Although at first this may seem like a something that would cause joy - not worry and introspection, the situation is a little more complicated. There are several projects poised for take off in early 2009 and I had a close hand in planning/proposing some of them. A few days ago, my VP mentioned to me that if we get the go ahead on a certain project, she will be looking to me to head it up. Normally, I would be jumping at the opportunity which would mean an expansion of my role, heading an internal team and interacting and liaising with some very interesting external partners. All good things, except that it's the worst possible timing!

The thing is, that I don't really want to tie myself to any long-term assignments right now because of the situation with the Irishman. Things have been progressing well since I got back after the wedding. He's decided to come over for a visit in February and I guess that will be the time when we decide just what we want from this relationship. I DO know that I cannot (and will not) do this long distance thing for any longer than absolutely necessary. Call me old school, but I feel that a relationship is not going to grow and thrive and mature if the two persons are on opposite sides of an ocean. And let's face it, I don't relish the thought of the possibility of sex with my boyfriend just twice a year, or thrice if Air Canada has a seat sale!

I had been thinking of moving to the UK for sometime now, even before recent developments involving matters of the heart. Very Best Friend had been trying to get me to come live in Glasgow for a while, and another close friend who lives in London had also been bribing me with ideas of how we could "explore the continent" together etc. etc. My initial idea was to move to London for a year (at first) and evaluate my long term needs based on my experiences and opportunities there. The fact that the Irishman lives in Glasgow has now of course pushed that city as the front runner in my "Live in Europe" plan.

The advent of the Irishman has forced me to think about my short and long term housing arrangements

For those not in the know, I bought a house with my parents in late 2006. The deal at the time was that I stay with them for at least 2 years before making a decision whether I wanted to continue living with them or get my own place. The deadline will be up next month.

I'll have to admit that living with my parents has enabled me to save up loads over the years and indulge in my # 1 passion - travel. The down side of living with one's parents is that one continues to get treated like a child no matter how old said "child" actually is. This is compounded by the fact that my family is traditionally Indian in the sense that it is expected that children will move away only when they get married, and not for any other reason. The notion of Adulthood is tied in quite strongly with Marriage and trying to be a "Single Adult" is almost a revolutionary idea. It matters not that I contribute a hefty amount towards the maintenance and running of the household, my parents still refuse to consult with me before making decisions regarding the house such as refurnishing the basement, doing up the backyard or repaving the driveway. My half of the mortgage and monthly payments pays for these changes - is it then so absurd that I would like to know about these things in advance? Heck, even be able to venture an opinion every now and then?

So, move out then, would be the response of many.

There's just one catch. But it's a big one!

All Indian parents are experts in Laying on the Guilt. Mine are doubly adept as not only do they have the benefit of years of Indian Guilt Laying techniques, my family is also Catholic. It is a vicious combination, not one for the faint of heart.

Every time I have complained about anything at home - and I submit the above examples of house renovations - I have gotten THE LITANY. (see, there's the Catholic tie-in)

THE LITANY consists of my mum and dad taking turns to remind me about all (and I do mean ALL) the things - material, professional, emotional - that my parents gave up to get us to Canada.

Dad: We gave up our jobs, good jobs,

Together: To bring you here

Mum: We gave up our family, my mother and father,

Together: To bring you here.

Dad: We gave up early retirement and our pension,

Together: To bring you here.

And it goes on.

Trying to fight that flood of emotional blackmail is like trying to drain a post Katrina New Orleans with a teaspoon. They're simply too good at it, and I'm simply too Indian and too Catholic to be able to withstand that tempest. Which is why I am dreading the thought of having to explain to them that a mere 7 years after we picked up and left India, I want to pick up again and move away - thereby "abandoning" them.

Fortunately, I don't have to have this discussion until February and who knows, it may not even end up being a hot topic.....

So, I'll just go back to raking leaves and this time think about something less volatile - the War on Terror, the current state of the Economy and Global Warming are all happy thoughts in comparison.