Friday, February 05, 2010

A Senseless Situation

Month two of this new year, and life here goes on. A little bit better now that I have a job. But if you've been reading the blog, then you know that the job is nothing to write home about. I was so convinced that if I stuck around long enough to find a job - any job - that things would get better. My life would magically repair. That, I'm finding is not the case. I do however love working for the cancer charity. Passionate about it is more like it. People wonder why I put so much of my energies and efforts into something that doesn't pay me a penny. Its not about the money. Its about not letting that bastard disease win.

My Papa has cancer. In the esophagus, colon and liver. And God knows where else. In a way, its a blessing that it is so far progressed. There is no question of treatment, just a wait-and-watch game that we are all playing. The medical term, I believe is palliative care.

For the first time since Nana died, I understood just how lucky she was. Her death, although sudden was quick. Painless. She didn't have time to think about her mortality and ponder the question of the great what comes after. The whole thing was simple. In reality more painful to us, the ones she left behind.

Papa isn't going to be as lucky.

This is a senseless situation. And I find myself wishing for the unthinkable. Like for death to come quickly to him. For him not to have to go through months of torture to die in agony. If only wishes were horses, he would be safe now. And they would be together again.


Anonymous said...

Thinking about you.

Jo said...



laurie said...

i'm so sorry. you can't make sense of it; there is no sense to illness and death. my dear cousin who is exactly my age is in the same situation as your papa. here's wishing a painless and happy end for them both.

and you have my deep sympathy.

Wandering Wynie said...

Dear Pixie,

I hope this isn't too forward of me given that we've only just become blog.....acquaintances (?) but you see, the thing about death is that it doesn't discern or discriminate- it comes to us all in the end. It is the big full stop to our Story. The horrid thing is the suffering our loved ones have to endure in life before their stories end. That is not fair nor is it easy to watch or live through and it degrades their quality of life. So your wishes are not unthinkable, nor are your thoughts senseless. They are brave, true and full of love and selflessness and that's what makes the whole 'living before hand' bit so worth while. And I bet your Papa knows that.

The Pixy Princess said...

Ah, my lovelies. Thanks for the support. I have a feeling that I'm going to need many more of your warm words as the months go on, and I deal with this insanity

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