Saturday, November 22, 2008

An Open Letter

My dearest Beany,

You do not get to make fun of my lists.

I'm normally a very careful person. I think about things a lot before I do them, and I like planning - a lot. I plan things down to minute details (which is primarily why I'm so go at my job!) I like the comfort around making a list of things to do, and then the satisfaction of seeing each item crossed off. It gives me a sense of accomplishment - however small. A list makes me feel like I'm in control of the situation. And believe me, I like having control. In fact, I'm all ABOUT the control.

So, you can possibly understand just how out of control my life felt when, a mere 4 days after meeting you I fell totally, completely, utterly and madly in love with you.

When I met you, everything I thought I knew about love went out the window. My carefully laid plans about not getting involved in another relationship, not putting myself into the path of turmoil, not allowing myself to be open to the hurt and pain that inevitably follows all went to hell in a handbasket. In the short time that we spent together, you succeed in making me loose control of all the carefully created barriers I had erected around me and they all came tumbling down like a stack of cards. You made me forget about all the things that I had guarded myself against and give in to the whirling dirvish of fun and freedom I feel when I am with you.

This crazy ride that we are both on is moving so fast that I cannot seem to fully grasp hold of the reins. Usually, I like to be able to steer; to know what I'm heading towards. And right now I cannot. The ride is thrilling and exciting and giving me that fun whoop-dee-do feeling in my tummy. But in reality, I'm terrified of heights and if you look closely I'm holding on to the side bar for dear life.

So, if making lists is the only thing in my control right now, please, let me have it. Please don't laugh at me for doing it and understand that right now I need to have this one little piece of stability in my otherwise turned up-side down life.


1 comment:

CurlyGirlie said...

To u: Awwwww!
To the beanpole: Bad Beany - go sit in the corner!

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