Back in the Saddle Again - and trying to hang on!

Almost all of the post break up advise that I’ve been receiving includes the tried and true “To hell with the F*ckwad, get back in the game and see other guys again.”

While this is charming and endearing advice, I’m not too sure I able to actually follow up on it. It’s been 4. 5 years since I’ve been on a date. A real date. A go-out-for-coffee/drinks/dinner-combined-with-general-light-banter date. And the few dates I DID go on pre Andy were utter disasters. The kind where one orders the smallest item on the menu and then feigns having to run off for a class mid way through the meal.

Andy and I never dated. He hung around me and my friends for 3 months, got threatened by one to “either ask her out or get lost”, continued to hang around and finally got tricked into taking me out by another friend.

I really should have seen the end coming right there!

In the 4 years we were together, we never went to a romantic dinner for two, never held hands at the movies and never took long walks on the beach together. True we did a lot of far more fun and interesting stuff together, but the point is, if I had to follow the regular “dating” pattern, I wouldn’t know to even begin!

Which brings me back to the question: How DOES one “procure" a date?

Does one smile sexily at the cute guy on the subway? He could be a psycho, follow you home and murder you and your family.
Does one make eye contact with the hottie standing in line at the food court? He could be a psycho, follow you back and murder you and your colleagues.
Does one drop a hanky/ folder/ handbag/ keys in a public place and wait for random cute guy to chance to pass by and pick it up? He could think YOU are a psycho and avoid you like the plague.

It all seems just a tad dodgy to me, but then again I have seen first hand that some of the most bizarre pickup lines DO work. Case in point my very first “pub night” at York U, a friend of a friend stopped by a particularly cute guy and asked him – Are you Polish? He was, and they proceeded to date for 2 years and then get married. Go Figure.

I take comfort in the fact that millions of people out in the wide world are dating. Obviously it works on some level. I’d love to attend a “How to…” workshop or even receive a mail order “Operational Procedures” manual. Having a set of rules to work with will definitely take the pressure off me having to self analyze the guy’s every move while on the date. It shouldn’t have to stress about whether I’m being too forward or not enough, too smiley or too serious or Heaven forbid – too ME!

I have even considered going the Britney Spears way and letting my clothes do the talking. A new range of T shirts could then act as my social status indicator when I’m in public. This way, I don’t really have to say or do anything, and if anyone wants to act on the message, they can go right ahead. This said, I would be committing all sorts of fashion faux pas that Perez Hilton would slay me for, but since I’ve never been a fashioneesta kinda gal, I’m going ahead with my idea.

Some potential tees could read:

Hello, I’m: SINGLE
Wanted: Boyfriend Type of Guy – Apply Within
Me Single; You Available?

Now although the above makes it seem like any and all applicants are welcome, I do have some base stipulations:

(1) He must be taller than me by at least 4 inches. I’m a mere 5ft5” so this will hardly be tough for all those North American tallies out there. Having dated a majority of short(ish) guys, I find that wearing heels around them makes for an awkward photograph.
(2) He must be well built enough to match me and I am a WHOLE LOTTA woman – if you get my drift!
(3) Looks don’t really count, but he must not be too handsome. I would prefer to be the prettier one – thank you very much. (For reference see past relationships)
(4) He must not take longer than me to get dressed. Any man who spends longer than 2 mins in front of a mirror is to be avoided at all costs.
(5) He must be gainfully employed. I would like to be on the receiving end of several “tokens of love”.

And finally, even if all over the above do not match,
(6) Love is not the answer. I'm looking for worship. Without reservation, without condition.

If wishes were horses, I’d be dating right now! Chances are, some internet weirdo will read this list and post some freaky comment that I will have to delete and then go back to lamenting about the lack of decent men in the world.

Men really ARE like toilets – either they are taken, or they’re full of shit.